The Superpower You Already Have (But Probably Aren’t Using):
Active Listening
Or: How to Stop Waiting for Your Turn to Talk
Let’s be honest—most of us are rubbish at listening.
Oh, we think we’re listening. We’re nodding at the right moments, making encouraging “mmm-hmm” sounds, and maintaining what we believe is thoughtful eye contact. But inside our heads? We’re crafting our response, remembering we need milk, wondering if that weird noise the car made this morning is expensive, and mentally rehearsing the brilliant point we’re about to make.
We’re not listening. We’re waiting to talk. There’s a difference.
Welcome to the Lost Art of Actually Paying Attention
Active listening sounds like one of those corporate buzzwords that gets thrown around in training sessions between trust falls and personality assessments. But here’s the thing: it’s actually a superpower. And unlike flying or reading minds, you already have the equipment to do it.
Active listening is the practice of being fully present when someone else is speaking—not just hearing their words, but genuinely understanding their message, emotions, and what’s left unsaid. It’s listening with your full attention, not just your ears.
Think of it as the difference between watching a film with your phone in your hand versus watching it in a cinema with your phone switched off. Same film, completely different experience.
Why Should I Care?
Because active listening is the secret sauce in pretty much every successful relationship—professional, personal or otherwise.
At work: That colleague who always seems to know exactly what’s needed? They’re listening. That leader everyone trusts, they’re listening. That teammate who diffuses conflicts before they explode? You guessed it—they’re listening.
At home: Ever had a conversation with your partner where you both leave feeling frustrated because no one felt heard? Active listening is the antidote to that special kind of domestic hell.
Everywhere else: Active listening builds trust faster than practically anything else you can do. When someone feels truly heard, they feel valued. When they feel valued, magic happens.
The Active Listening Cheat Sheet
Ready to unlock your superpower? Here’s how:
- Put Down Your Bloody Phone
Seriously. You cannot actively listen whilst scrolling Instagram, checking emails, or seeing if that package has been dispatched yet. Multi-tasking is a myth, and your brain knows it even if your ego doesn’t.
- Listen to Understand, Not to Respond
This is the big one. Stop formulating your reply while the other person is still talking. Your brilliant point can wait. Focus entirely on understanding their point first.
Ask yourself: “What are they really saying?” Not just the words, but the meaning, the emotion, the concern beneath the surface.
- Shut Up (Occasionally)
Silence is not the enemy. In fact, it’s often where the real conversation lives. When someone finishes speaking, resist the urge to immediately fill the space with your voice. A pause gives them room to add more, clarify or go deeper.
It also gives you a moment to actually process what they’ve said rather than just react.
- Reflect Back What You Heard
This isn’t about parroting their words like a particularly annoying parrot. It’s about checking your understanding:
- “So what I’m hearing is…”
- “It sounds like you’re feeling…”
- “Let me make sure I’ve got this right…”
This does two magical things: it confirms you’ve understood correctly, and it shows the other person you’re actually listening. Win-win.
- Ask Questions That Aren’t Just Statements in Disguise
Good question: “What would help you feel more supported?”
Terrible question (actually a statement): “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?”
If your question starts with “Don’t you think…” or “Wouldn’t it be better if…” you’re not asking a question—you’re pushing an agenda. Real questions open doors; fake questions close them.
- Notice What Isn’t Being Said
Active listening includes tuning into tone, body language, and energy. Sometimes what’s not said is more important than what is.
If your colleague says “I’m fine” but looks like they’re auditioning for a disaster film, they’re probably not fine. Trust your instincts and create space for the real conversation.
- Resist the Urge to Fix Everything
This one’s especially hard if you’re a natural problem-solver (hello, every coach and manager ever). But here’s the truth: sometimes people don’t want solutions—they want to be heard – dare I say it even your partners!
Before jumping into fix-it mode, try asking: “Do you want me to help you solve this, or do you need to talk it through?”
You’ll be amazed how often the answer is the latter.
The Active Listening Challenge
Want to test your skills? Try this:
Today, have ONE conversation where your only job is to listen. Not to respond cleverly, not to share your own story, not to offer advice unless asked. Just… listen.
Notice what happens. Notice how the other person responds when they feel genuinely heard. Notice what you learn that you might have missed if you’d been busy formulating your reply.
I guarantee you’ll be surprised.
The Bottom Line
Active listening isn’t complicated, but it’s not easy either. It requires something increasingly rare in our distracted, notification-pinging, always-on world: your full attention.
But here’s what makes it worth it: active listening transforms conversations. It builds trust, resolves conflicts, deepens relationships, and helps you understand what’s actually going on rather than what you think is going on.
It’s the difference between hearing words and understanding people.
So next time you’re in a conversation—whether it’s a one-to-one with your team member, a chat with your partner, or a discussion with a friend—try actually listening. Not waiting for your turn. Not planning your response. Not checking your phone.
Just… listen.
Your relationships (and your effectiveness as a human) will thank you.
Your turn: When was the last time someone really, truly listened to you? How did it feel? And more importantly—when was the last time you did the same for someone else?
Now go forth and listen like your relationships depend on it. Because they do.
Sue Bramhall is an ICF-certified Agile Transformation and Personal Development Coach who spends a lot of time listening—and occasionally talking about why listening matters. Based in Warwick, UK. Usually found asking questions rather than giving answers.
